Audio Erotica
by Leikiz
Summary: Slaughterhouse Rule #12: I will not abuse my powers to make my coworkers have sex. Even if it would be totally hot. [Oneshot] [Screamer/Jack Slash/Number Man] [MMF][Lime]


"Hey Harb, pass me the knife oil, would you?"

Harbinger looked up from his book to find Jack staring expectantly at him. The other teen had his extensive collection of blades laid out across the small table that serviced the RV's dining area.

The bottle of oil sat in one of the little cubbies lining the hallway back to the bedroom. Harbinger picked it up and tossed it to Jack. The trajectory and necessary force were child's play, and the bottle landed in Jack's waiting hand.

"Thanks."

Jack returned to his cleaning, and Harbinger to his book. After a few moments, the sharp smell of oil filled the RV, and he looked up again. Jack was intent on his work, running over each knife with care, working them with a rag until they shone.

In the back of his mind, Harbinger's powers helpfully detailed which knife was Jack's favorite based on patterns of wear and tear.

Pointless data. Why would it matter?

It wasn't like he had any intention of getting Jack a new blade for his birthday. The only occasion that would possibly have warranted it in recent memory was killing King, and celebrating in such a way was something Harbinger found incredibly… crass. Distasteful, for no real reason.

No. He wouldn't be doing any such thing. Why had he even thought of it to begin with?

Metal clinked as Jack returned what looked like a potato peeler to the table. Light glinted off the blades, reflecting off the chiseled planes of Jack's face. The sight made Harbinger feel-

Harbinger blinked. What was _that?_

He looked hard at Jack. The black-haired teen was sighting down the edge of a blade that would have looked at home in a bad fantasy film, all jagged edges and spikes.

Nothing.

No reaction at all to the way Jack's strong, callused hands worked over the knife with the rag. What would those hands feel like on-

 _What._

Harbinger closed his book with a snap. He rose from his chair and turned to face Jack. His power told him the steps- 6.8 feet to cross between them. He'd like nothing better than to go to Jack. Go to him and brush back his hair, run it through his fingers. Let Jack take his glasses off, turn the world blurry but for their passion.

"Jack," Harbinger said. "I-"

 _Need to tell you that I love you_.

He flinched.

"I think that someone is using their power on me and-"

 _I can't deny these feelings any more. Take me now._

Jack looked up, a corkscrew between two fingers.

"Oh yeah?" He cocked his head for a moment. "Ah. I wondered what that was. Kind of a… narrator kind of thing? Keeps telling you to do weird stuff with me?"

"Yes!" Harbinger said, relief flooding through him.

Jack understood. He knew what was happening. It was a sign that they were kindred spirits and that they should totally, _totally_ bang right now on the kitchen table.

Harbinger tuned that thought out. Once he knew what the effect was, it was easy to ignore it. Ignore how Jack's unbuttoned shirt exposed a tender length of tanned flesh and the edge of one sharp collarbone and-

"What now!?" Harbinger snapped.

Jack shrugged. "It's probably nothing." He stood, putting a finger to his lips. "I think we should just go back to what we were doing and…" Jack grinned, appearing to listen for a moment. "Christen every room in the RV with our passion?"

Harbinger made to speak, but Jack made the shushing gesture again, pointing at the door. They moved together, sliding toward the exit without a sound.

"Yeah, probably nothing, like I said," Jack continued. He placed a hand on the door latch. "I think it's probably just hormones. Teen boy stuff and all that."

Harbinger nodded. "Right. Would you like to remove your shirt?"

 _Yes!_

This time he heard it. The tiny little whisper in his ear- a voice that wasn't his intruding on his thoughts.

Jack held up three fingers. Dropped one. Two. Three.

They burst out the door.

A muffled squeal rose from the other side of the RV, and they rushed toward it. He outpaced Jack, running on the perfect trajectory to hook the side of the vehicle and turn at top speed. The campground outside was deserted- cleared earlier by the Nine, and the noise of someone scrabbling away through the dead leaves was loud and obvious.

They caught up to the stranger in moments.

The girl was stumbling along, pants around her ankles, trying to reach one of the tents set up nearby. The instant she saw that they'd caught her; she squeaked and tripped over her pants, landing in the dirt.

Harbinger glared down at the girl.

A tangled mane of black hair hung down around her face, nearly covering her luminescent blush.

"Screamer," Jack said, grinning broadly.

"What have I told you about using your power on me?" Harbinger added.

The scrawny little teen quivered, her eyes tearful.

"P-please, it was just a joke. Don't- please don't kill me!"

"I don't know," Jack said.

He dropped to a crouch and tugged Screamer's grubby t-shirt up, exposing her panties. They were crooked over one bony hip, with Screamer's thatch of pubic hair sticking out the top. The dark patch on the crotch was readily apparent.

"Looks like you were getting off to the thought of me and Harbinger together," Jack continued. "Thought you'd play matchmaker, huh?"

"N-no!" Screamer stammered. "I just thought- you and him are perfect for each other, b-but Harbinger is a huge stick in the mud."

Harbinger began calculating the proper angle to punch Screamer's obnoxious little throat in. Something of it seemed to show on his face, because the scrawny teen cried out.

"Don't!"

"Now now," Jack interjected, putting out a hand to stop him. "She meant well, Harbinger. Even if she was getting her jollies in the process."

"Thank you!" Screamer blubbered, fat tears beginning to roll down her flushed face. "Oh thank you, thank you-"

Jack touched a finger to her lips, and she fell silent at once.

"However," he said. "Intentions aside, you did try to manipulate us. That's rather… rude, isn't it, Screamer? And having us fuck like bunnies in every room of the RV? Downright discourteous to the other members of the Nine."

Harbinger cleared his throat. Jack needed to speed things up.

"As punishment," Jack drawled, "I think Screamer needs a hands-on lesson on what she was trying to start."

He stared at Jack.

"What?"

Jack beamed at him. "A three-way, Harbinger, a three-way! Unless you're telling me that you're not curious? Not even a little?"

Harbinger frowned and pushed his glasses up his nose. Jack was being ridiculous. Just because Screamer had messed with them was no reason to- it was stupid. There was nothing there anyway. Screamer was a perverted little girl who could conjure romance from nothing.

He and Jack were partners. And not in _that_ way. There was no veiled tension, no pining romance. He wasn't really distracted by the way Jack's shirt was fluttering in the breeze, his sculpted muscles like-

"Screamer!" Harbinger yelled.

"Wasn't me!" she shrieked. "Honest to god!"

"Curious, Harbinger?" Jack teased.

Harbinger snorted. Jack's grin was so smug it ought to be illegal. Even if it did play up his jawline, and the way his dark hair framed his face. It was-

 _Fuck._

He was going to kill Screamer for this.

"Fine," Harbinger sighed.

Jack's grin got even wider, and Screamer made a noise like a dog whistle.

" _Really_!?" she squealed. "You and him and-" Her voice dropped an octave, suddenly husky. "And _me_."

Jack nodded to him, and they bent down to catch Screamer under her arms. They rose and walked back to the RV, the short girl pressed in between them. Somewhere along the way, she let her legs go limp and shucked her pants off entirely. Jack shed his shirt while somehow managing to keep hold off Screamer.

Harbinger merely smiled ruefully and took off his glasses.

When they came to the stairs into the RV, Jack hoisted Screamer into a bridal carry. The skinny girl looked like Christmas had come early as Jack carried her in. At the top of the stairs, Jack turned to look back at Harbinger, still standing at the bottom.

"Coming?" Jack asked.

Harbinger allowed himself a small smile.

"Yes."

He kicked the door shut behind him.

XXX

 **A repost from QQ. The premise was 'Screamer uses her powers to be the "Narrator," breaking the fourth-wall in order to ship Jack and Numberman. My execution was a little flawed, and I never got around to writing the second chapter, which would have had the sex scene.**

 **...I have a bad habit of cutting smut off just before any actual smut happens.**

 **Posting it mainly just for the oddity-factor of shipping Jack/Numberman/Screamer.**

 **Imagine Screamer as Tomoko from 'Watamote' and you've basically got the idea of what I was getting at.**


End file.
